Obviously, this can happen in a variety of ways but I’m going to get real specific here about one particular thing people do to give away their power.

It’s called justifying yourself! So what is justification, why do we do it and what can be done about it?

Justification is when we offer (or don’t) an explanation of our choices for a variety of reasons. The key here is that explaining is the way you’ve been giving away your power.

It’s not always a negative thing either as the need to explain our lives away can be motivated by fear, guilt, or even self-doubt and it can also be an honoring or ourselves and others.

The subconscious need to justify ourselves to others or have them justify themselves to us most likely has it’s root in our childhood where we are rewarded for good behavior and punished for bad behavior.

It makes sense then that when you are justifying yourself to another when there is no need you have become the child in that relationship and they the parent. This is obviously not healthy for either of you as it is toxic in nature and opens the door for blame and resentment.

Think about it in reverse. When was the last time you asked or expected someone to justify themselves to you? What was going on for you at the time? Perhaps you were frustrated or upset about something the other did or didn’t do and you were subconsciously looking to them to make you feel better about yourself?

Giving away your power by explaining your decisions and actions to others keeps you stuck in the belief that you are not okay at some level. This limiting belief then continues to attract people into your life that will happily take your power away from you.

This pattern is all too familiar in intimate relationships and is a sure-fired recipe to kill any chance for love if left unchecked. The most obvious example of this is the control freak who constantly wants you to explain yourself so that he or she feels like they are in charge.

What’s The Payoff In Justifying Yourself?

Here’s some of the main ways we benefit from justifying ourselves:

• We’re trying to ease our own feeling of guilt
• We’re trying to control the other persons response
• We’re insecure about our own choices and want the other person to validate our decision.
• We want to stay hidden so that others see us in a way that keeps the peace
• We are defending against feeling badly about ourselves by trying to convince others what we did was the best we could do
• We want to have a closer, more open connection with the other person

As you can see from the last point, it’s not always going to be giving away your power if you choose to explain your decisions to someone. It depends on the intention behind it and how unapologetic you can be towards yourself.  The way I look at it is that it’s none of my business what others think about me unless I make it so.

I used to put a lot of energy into explaining my decisions and actions. Sometimes, they were an honest attempt to seek to be understood but often they were a result of my own self-doubt and innate desire for people to approve of me.

Since then, I wised up. Once I started to accept myself and take full responsibility for my choices that’s when all my relationships changed for the better. I started to catch myself starting to explain my choices to someone and would notice if it was necessary or not.

Over time I discovered effective ways to communicate with others that didn’t involve giving my power away. This was a big learning curve for me as it wasn’t easy at first but now after many years it’s become second nature.

The first rule of not giving away you power is that no-one is responsible for how you think and feel except you. Sure, others can say and do things that upset you but you are the one that is choosing to receive their words and energy in a negative way.

Life is neither positive or negative these traits are decided by the way you look at things. Someone can look at snow and be deliriously happy while others can look at it and be annoyed. The snow stays the same but what people think and feel about it depends on whose looking.

This is such an important thing to consider in today’s world as everything is moving so quickly that very few people are slowing down enough to look at themselves first before lashing out at others.

That’s why learning how to stop giving your power away to others is needed now more than ever and it starts with you learning five simple strategies to master what I call the power of non-justification.

5 Ways To Stop Justifying Yourself

Here are my top five tips on how you can stop giving away your power through non-justification.

1. Drop these words

Words have power and can even be a source of giving away your power if you allow it. There are three words you can drop from your vocabulary immediately that will help you to stop justifying yourself to others. The words are; ‘just’, ‘but’, and ‘because’. The next time you find yourself being asked to explain yourself try doing so without using these words.

2. I chose it

There are plenty of other words you can use that help you to keep your power. Words like; ‘I chose to’ or ‘I chose not to’; ‘I like it or I don’t like it’; and ‘I want to’ or I don’t want to’ are just a few examples of words you can use to take your life and power back.

3. Yes & No

By far the two most powerful words we can use are yes and no. Say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no. Nothing else is needed. The moment you start to explain why you have said yes or no then you start to sell yourself out.

4.  Use short statements of fact

There’s nothing wrong with giving a reason why you did or didn’t do something as long as you keep it short and factual. Once you start going into a lengthy explanation that there’s no need for that’s when it becomes dis-empowering.

5. Ask Questions

This strategy tends to be a last resort when someone is quite persistent about you needing to explain yourself. It’s more a deflection tactic that puts the question back on them as to why they need you to justify yourself to them.

Here’s an example:

You: “I was just offered a new job that I recently applied for!”

Them: “I see… are you going to take it?”

You: “Yes, I am!”

Them: “Well, I didn’t know you wanted that job, why didn’t you tell me!?”

This is where you are now being asked to justify your decision. You are under no obligation to answer this unless you want to. I’d either make a short statement of fact such as; “Well, I’m telling you now!”

Or, put it back on them and ask them a question like:

“Why does it matter if I told you or not?”

Whenever someone is asking you to make them feel better about an uncomfortable thought or feeling they are having and you reinforce this game with them then it’s a lose-lose scenario. You lose because you empower the belief that you have to justify yourself to be okay and they lose because they don’t get to look at themselves.

We can only control how we show up when relating to others. How others react or respond to that has nothing to do with us.

What you can do is to pay attention to what is happening in your mind and body. Are you anxious, tense, or worried about the other persons feelings? Or, perhaps you are feeling resentful but unable to express your anger? If so, then before you say anything take a moment to give yourself space to think and breathe before you say or do anything.

It may feel awkward at first, especially if you are used to rescuing people from their own feelings, yet it may also feel exhilarating too.  Explaining may have been the way that you were giving your power away in the past but that does not mean that your future has to be the same.

Last Thoughts!

Thanks for taking the time to invest in your expansion in this part of your life. You now have some simple strategies to stop justifying yourself so that you can reclaim your personal power and integrity.

There really are NO LIMITS to what you can be, do or have except for any self-imposed ones.

I’m insanely committed to helping people to live the life they were meant to live. Whats in the way is whatever limiting beliefs and habits that are holding you back mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually.

That’s why every now and then I run a 5-Week Group Coaching Program called ‘Boundless Energy‘ which is specifically designed to redefine whats possible in your relationships, career and the quality of your life.

Each week dives deep into an area of your life that gives you the FREEDOM to create a life of your choosing and make a significant impact during your time on this earth. If you’d like to know more about this then Click Here or  go to https://www.michaelatma.com/boundless-energy to see when I’ll be offering this program again.

This is just a sample of how I love to help people to step into their greatness.  Make sure to let me know how you go practicing non-justification in your everyday life by dropping me an email at hello@michaelatma.com or joining me on Facebook at: Meditation Dojo 

To life,

Michael Atma

Author, Transformation Coach & Speaker

On one of my bus trips we needed to go over some mountains to get to our final destination. Let me set the scene for you. The roads were extremely narrow, busy and rough, while being cluttered with carts, animals, bikes and just about anything else that would fit on the road.

As we got further up in the mountains, the roads seemed to get even narrower, and the bus which of course was very old and had mostly open windows for ventilation appeared to be laboring us it climbed the steep inclines.

Anyway, it was all fine until we started going down the other side of the mountain. Then it became like one of those crazy roller coaster rides you go on at Disneyland, where there is just one speed – fast. I was sitting down the back of the bus which made everything seem so much rougher.

All I can remember now is looking down from my window seat over the side of the mountain which seemed inches away and the driver didn’t appear to be even trying to slow down at corners as we were hurled from one side of our seat to the other as we drifted around bends.

On one level it was quite comical as the sea of heads in front of me were literally being tossed around like a salad in a bowl. The heat, the dust, and the feeling that we were all about to die didn’t help to comfort me at all.

This seemed to go on for hours, although in reality is was probably more like 30 minutes. But as I pondered if I was going to live through this or end up in a pile of burnt scrap metal at the bottom of the mountain, here’s what I learned:

1. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

Here’s my big lesson on goals. Make sure you complete at least one goal that’s important to you every day. Don’t make your goals so big and unrealistic that they can never be reached. Instead, make them micro-goals and just achieve one per day.

My goal for the day while on the bus was to stay as calm as possible instead of giving into my fear which wanted me to totally freak out and go into panic mode. My micro-goal was to be conscious of my breathing and do slow, deep breathing to remain calm.

2. Make sure that you have left nothing unresolved at the end of each day.

As we slid around corners and came perilously close to having head on collisions with other vehicles racing up the narrow mountain roads it dawned on me that if I were to die today, was there anything that I would leave behind that was unfinished.

As I thought about it, I realized that I had never gotten into the habit of leaving ‘loose ends’ either personally or professionally, so everything was good in that respect. Since that day, it has been even more of a conscious decision to make sure that I never end any day with anything left undone that could have been done.

This especially includes making sure that all your relationships are in good standing at the end of each day. There’s no time to hang onto past grievances when it’s so easy to forgive and forget, and move forward in joy.

3. Do your best to live fully in the present moment as it is a rich and full place to be in.

As terrifying as it was at times, the intensity of each moment in the bus was incredibly rich and full. There was literally no time to think about anything else except to do my best to flow with the jerky movements of the bus as it went from side to side.

It’s the same with life. The more we can flow with what is going on right now, rather than be distracted by a million and one things that are on our ‘to-do’ list, the more alive we will feel and become. besides, distractions inevitably lead to ‘accidents’ and most of the time they are not enjoyable.

4. Control is an illusion.

The hardest part for me was that I couldn’t control the bus. I knew that if I had of been driving, then I would have felt better. The fact is though, when are we ever really in control of anything. Sure, we can control what we say or do, but that’s about it.

There are a million and one things that go on around us every day that are completely out of our control, and yet somehow we still manage to survive. The plane I flew to Indonesia in was not in my control. The food I eat when I am out, is not in my control – it could be riddled with bacteria for all I know.

Each and every day I see people struggling to control themselves or others, when there’s no real need. That’s why every chance you get, stop trying to control things that are none of your business and let it go. The moment you just let go, then you open up to deeper levels of trust and joy in life.

5. Why I always have an attitude of gratitude.

When the bus finally arrived at it’s destination, I was absolutely exhausted and relieved at the same time. However, the first thing I did after I got off the bus and collected my luggage, was to go and thank the driver for getting us to our destination safely.

Even though I thought that he was a reckless driver and had put us all at risk, the fact was that from his perspective it was probably just business as usual and that the day’s drive was normal.

From that day on, no matter how much I may have judged something to be ‘unacceptable’, I have always found a way to be grateful for whatever lesson I may have gained from the experience. I call this having an ‘attitude of gratitude‘ towards life.

The funny thing is that life keeps sending me more things to be grateful for – don’t you love how that works!

Just about everything you do that involves growth requires courage. We are all born with it in unlimited quantities but for a variety of reasons many tend to shut the door on it and end up letting their fears control their lives.

The choice to be courageous is to choose to face your fears and break free from the shackles they create that hold you back in work or life.

Have The Courage To Ask For What You Want

There is nothing that you can’t be, do or have if you have the courage to go for it. One of the easiest ways to do this is once you figure out what you want just start asking for it. In fact just by asking for what you want you will automatically engage the power of courage within you.

Unless you ask, how will you ever get it?  Asking is the first step in opening the doors to receive and through receiving love and abundance can flow into your life.

Here’s an example of asking in action.  Jane was frustrated because her job was only part time and she needed the extra income that full time work would bring.   Jane was already working extra hours each day and not getting paid for it so she figured that the ‘right’ thing for her boss to do was make her full time and pay her the appropriate salary.

Many frustrating weeks went by and nothing changed.  Long hours were worked, low pay was received, and Jane’s frustration began to turn into anger and resentment. Then one day she called me and told me she was at her wits end, and that she was going to quit her job and tell her boss exactly what she thought of him and his business.

I responded with, “Have you asked for what you want yet?”  To which Jane sheepishly replied, “No, I haven’t”.

From there we figured out that she was afraid of losing her temper and saying all the wrong things because of her mounting frustration and anger.  The solution we ended up coming to was to write down exactly what Jane wanted to say and how she wanted to say it in a letter to her boss.

Then all she had to do was give it to him and wait for a reply.  A week after Jane handed him the letter, she was given a $20,000 pay rise and her position was made full time.

There are many ways to ask for what you want and all of them require courage.  Never be afraid of being rejected. Be more afraid that you never had the courage to ask for what you wanted.   You can never be rejected, especially if you keep in mind that other people have a right to say ‘no’.

If you allow ‘no’ to be the reason that your life stays limited then you’ll never be happy or fulfilled.  Learn to handle the ‘no’s’ in life by turning them into a ‘yes’ for you.  A great way to do this is to find other means to have your needs or desires met.

What You Focus On Is What You Get!

There are so many ways that courage can improve the quality of your life.  How often do you come across people who have a tragic tale to tell of their past or present life?  Have you noticed how some of them never get tired of telling the same old story over and over again?

Do you think that helps them to move forward in their life?  Probably not!  I have discovered that it takes tremendous courage to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings or experiences and let go of blame, excuses or trying to pass the buck.  As long as we get stuck in the ‘story’ of our life we continue to miss the living of it.

Each day is either a brand new day with unlimited opportunities, or it is a ride on the same old merry-go-round that you’ve always been on.  The courage to let go of what’s ‘wrong’ with your life and focus on what’s ‘right’ with it is a choice you can make at any moment.

What does it matter what happened yesterday, last year or ten years ago? It’s what you say, think or do now that counts.

Courage can work miracles in so many different ways.  A friend of mine’s daughter, Sally, was having her 4^th year birthday party on a Saturday afternoon at her home. I walked in to the lounge room to find a bunch of kids gathered ina corner and some of the parents looking on intently.

I soon discovered that Sally was playing with her presents and was getting upset anytime one of the other kids try to play with them too. Her parents felt awkward and embarrassed because the other parents and their children were all glaring at Sally who was getting more and more upset.

The situation became even more charged because the parents tried to reason their daughter into sharing, without any success, while everyone around them watched on with impatient expectations.

Can you imagine how much courage it took for a tiny four year old girl to stand her ground in front of a crowd of judgmental giants trying to first of all reason, then bribe, then force her to play by their rules?  The end result was that her toys were taken away from her with force and a tantrum soon followed.

It Takes Courage To Say No

Believe it or not, it is okay to not share things if you don’t want to. That is some stupid rule made up to keep the peace between people. Yes, you certainly can share anything, anytime as long as you want to do it. Otherwise, don’t. It takes just as much courage to say ‘no’ as it takes fear to say ‘yes’, when you mean ‘no’.

Where in your life are you allowing yourself to be reasoned, bribed or manipulated into doing things that you know you don’t really want to?  How far are you willing to go before you give in and comply with the expectations of others?

If you were to ask me what is the most important thing you could do with the rest of your life, my answer would be to become more courageous. Just like the muscles of your body, the more you work it, the stronger it gets.

The greatest courage of all is to simply be yourself and say ‘yes’ to whatever you want to be, do or have with your life. Once you have attained this level of courage, everything else will be a piece of cake.

Here’s the thing.

If you’re in a position in your life right now where you don’t have the time, money, business, career, health, relationship, happiness or anything at all that you thought you’d achieve by now then obviously something’s up.

Many people, myself included have spent countless hours setting goals and chasing them down like a dog chasing a moving car only to be left exhausted and not knowing what to do next. There’s some basic things that need to be understood before we can go from where you are now to what you want to have, be or do in life.

The first step is to understand that the life that you have created now has come from the beliefs, habits and skills you’ve developed in the past. Quite often, what we ‘think’ we want and what we ‘believe’ we deserve can be too different thing.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you really want to quit smoking (this is what you ‘think’ you want) and yet every time you try to stop something happens to sabotage your attempts.

This self sabotage comes from our subconscious mind that has it’s own idea about what we should have, be or do with our lives and in many cases those ideas are held together by limiting or negative beliefs about what we do or don’t deserve in life.

Now this may sound a little ‘out there’ to some of you but keep in mind that the only reason you don’t have what you want in your life right now is because your internal beliefs do not agree with your everyday wants and desires… and until they do agree you will always find yourself struggling to get what you really want.

Now for the good news…

It really isn’t as difficult as you may think to turn this situation around. Regardless of whether your limiting or self self sabotaging beliefs and habits have been in play for 5 years, 10 years or 70 years it’s can all be changed in an instant. In fact, all change can only even happen right now.

There are 4 steps to moving towards what you really want in life at the speed of light.

1. Know exactly what you want
2. Have the willingness to want to change and get uncomfortable for awhile
3. Make it a must
4. Take unstoppable action Let’s look at these 4 steps in a bit more detail…

1. Know exactly what you want

I’m going to keep this simple. There’s a world of difference between ‘wishing’ your life were better and being 100% clear about what you want.

The first is nothing more than a pipe dream with no substance while the second enables you to get focused on a specific result you want to achieve.

In other words, the more clarity you have on what you really want and the time-frame by which you want to achieve it, the sooner it will happen.

If there is no time-frame attached to your result then it’s nothing more than a pipe dream. So make sure that anytime you want to make a change that you get specific about the change and the time-frame by which you’ll achieve it. And… most importantly, write it down and look at it every single day until it’s done!

2. Have the willingness to want to change and get uncomfortable for awhile

This may not be the most popular statement but nonetheless is highly applicable. Any change, regardless of how big or small will require doing things that are new or different. Unfortunately for many people they just don’t like change.

Even if it means that they’ll be better off in terms of happiness and quality of life they cling to what they know and are comfortable with because they don’t want to get uncomfortable. The crazy thing is that they are already uncomfortable.

The thing is that we can numb ourselves to the obvious discomfort or misery of our circumstances and justify why we can’t change them. This justification is your ego lying to you and telling you it’s okay to stay small and not get what you deserve out of life.

The way to break this habit is real simple – start saying ‘YES’ to change.

This is a mental habit you can develop until it becomes a way of life for you. Just by doing this one thing you will multiply your successes in life one hundred fold.

Getting uncomfortable does not mean that your life is chaos and overwhelming. It means that you stop settling for second best and do whatever you need to do to turn your life around to where you want it to be.

3. Make it a must

This one is real simple… if something is important enough to you then you will never give up on it, no matter what obstacles or challenges come your way.

The opposite of making your wants and desires a must in your life is to make excuses for why you don’t achieve them. As one of my teachers once said, “You know Michael, the buck stops with you.” This was the moment I finally realized that the only reason I wasn’t where I wanted to be at that time was me.

I then stopped looking for things outside of me to make my life better and got on with becoming the master of my own destiny.

4. Take unstoppable action

This one speaks for itself. In the example of quitting smoking. Let’s say you try for one day to quit smoking and then decide it’s too hard because of the emotional roller coaster you find yourself on so you quit and never try again.

That is not unstoppable action, that is giving up.

The difference between people that get what they want and people that don’t is whether they quit or not. Unstoppable action means that no matter what obstacles be they mental, emotional, physical or other that you will find a way through, around, under or over the obstacle so you can keep moving forward.

This laser like focus and commitment to success is what will get you there… and along the way with each new challenge that you overcome, you will get stronger and stronger.

That’s when life gets real fun because now you not only have the mental power and emotional fortitude to forge any path you want to build in life to whatever destination you like, you have something so much more valuable.

You have Personal Power! And with personal power comes unlimited possibilities in your life.

I’ll leave you with the thoughts that you only get 1 chance at the life you have and that there really isn’t any time to waste on putting things off until tomorrow or indulging in lazy habits.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring or even if you’ll be here, so make sure that you are giving your every moment your best shot at being a winner at all that you do.

Most importantly though, remember to have fun along the way.

Talk soon…

Do you like this type of post? If so, please let me know in the comments.